The Story Of A 29 Year Old British Girl Who Moved To LA To Make Her Dreams Come True; Only To Move Home To Care For Her Mother Diagnosed With Brain Cancer. Day-To-Day Thoughts, Updates, Love And Laughs (yes, I'm still allowed to laugh...)

Friday, 27 December 2013

Crying On Your Own Time

I was sat in the pharmacy waiting for Mum's prescription for a UTI. I knew something was wrong earlier her speech had been a tad confused, she was barely drinking any water (as much as I forced her too) and she started to find it harder to get up.

As we were entering the Radiotherapy unit this morning she suddenly stopped and her knees just went and she looked like she was going down. Both my Aunt and I had a hold of her and at first I thought she was joking because it was so dramatic-she just started to collapse. As she went into the room for radiotherapy they got a wheelchair for her as she had another turn. Her test for a UTI came back positive and  I was happy. I was happy because I suspected it; and happy because these symptoms could be attributed to a UTI and not the monsters inhabiting her brain.

I'm teary today and I don't want to be. I'm teary due to my less than tactful uncle telling me I use the word "love" too much. Yeah, I get criticized for using the word "love" I ignored him and my Aunt stuck up for me as usual.
But then I cried as I sat waiting for Mum to finish treatment because I started to talk about my brother asking me when I'm coming back. I haven't worked in over a month, I have bills and rent and am relying on people coming in to see to my cat everyday-it's a bit too much for me today.

My Aunt gets emotional when I do so I try not to cry but I'm pretty worn out. I'm so worried about back home and feel I can't leave my Mum so what do I do? I don't have any solutions and the weeks constantly roll on and problems get bigger.

I will fight this-I don't want to be weepy and worried and I certainly don't want my Mum to see me upset. I'll cry on my own time.


  1. Very touching. I too know what you are feeling and going through except its my wife and not my mom. Financial issues up the butt. I work but feel very guilty for not being there for her and take days off for important dr appointments but the next paycheck suffers. I really hope you find the balance where you take care of her and yourself. It may seem selfish to take a break for you but what good are you to her if your falling apart and not physically and emotionally up to par .

  2. Valdo-Thank You SO much for your comment. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings and telling me your story.

  3. I hope this offers even the slightest bit of comfort for you, I understand. This is why I'm doing this-to help me explain the inexplicable and to raise awareness for struggles like ours. My thoughts are truly with you xxx

  4. Well unless you've been through it or are going through it people dont understand and being able to write what you are writing and being able to connect with people who understand helps just get things off of your chest and just vent without judgement .This is her 2nd go around with breast cancer, first time was 5 years ago. So I have an idea of what's to come but it makes it no easier. I take one day at a time worrying about what I have control over and what I don't have control over well its just not worth the time I don't have.

  5. Kinda crazy you say crying on your own time. Ive yet to cry been close more than a few times but my pride will not let me. I remember as a kid losing my younger brother to cancer and my dad telling me go ahead son let it out let it all out you'll feel better but as soon as I feel like I'm going to break down I snap out of it and pump my chest out and pick my head up. May not be the best thing to do but feel like I have to be strong for everyone because that's who I am. On the down side to that no one ever ask how I'm doing because I am the strong one. Double edge sword.

    1. I get it Valdo, I really do. People comment all the time "you're so strong" and sometimes you just don't want to be strong anymore. You have your children who need guidance and reassurance from you, but you need to be healthy yourself. Walk, write, read, cry-but don't be alone. Talk to people even if you don't think you can xx

  6. You are in the UK right? Wondering if you can get any assistance (financial/other) from the government or insurance? Just so difficult otherwise. I would encourage my father to eat and drink by fixing him home made meals and giving him Chai teas and juices. Could always tempt him with is favorites. (marschani)


Feel free to leave me a note-much appreciated! x