The Story Of A 29 Year Old British Girl Who Moved To LA To Make Her Dreams Come True; Only To Move Home To Care For Her Mother Diagnosed With Brain Cancer. Day-To-Day Thoughts, Updates, Love And Laughs (yes, I'm still allowed to laugh...)

Sunday, 19 January 2014

It's Been A While...

Hello ladies and gents,

It's been a few days since my last post for a multitude of reasons, but as I type these words to you, I already feel better. YOU save me.

So...where to start?? Let me start with this photo to show how truly exhausted and exasperated I am after this week (don't judge, I know it's terrible for me, but this is a one off-promise!)
The past week has been ridiculously hard. Every day we have had one person after another coming in; either delivering Zimmer frames, stools, or a multitude of other devices to make home life easier for mum.

When last I left you, mum was heading to my aunt's to give me a break and get mum out for some time. Well, while there she fell again, and it was made apparent to us all mum needed more help and I just couldn't deal with it all on my own. They told us that effects of radiation will get a lot worse before it gets better. We are now 3 or 4 weeks after the last session and her weakness, exhaustion, mobility and cognition are pretty poor.

We have met with social workers, physiotherapists, occupational therapists,  district nurses, bowel and bladder nurses (lovely, I know...) Careline representatives, financial assessor, people installing lock boxes it goes on and on...

All these people are employed by the NHS or the town council and they could not have been more kind, efficient and helpful. I mean, it is astounding it was all free, and they installed everything so quickly, they were all fantastic, but the emotional effect of their visits and the never ending questions were outstanding. Having to repeat the same thing over and over again and hearing the reality so bluntly from an outsider was devastating.

One particular district nurse really impeded upon my iron clad emotional lock down. 
She came in as a crisis nurse after mum's fall on Sunday to immediately put help into place. She was here several days and accompanied a social worker who had to asses mum's current situation and get her (and myself) more help. She asked so many questions and when she began talking about "diagnosis...long term prognosis...long term care...hospice" I got sweaty and hot and I'd just had enough. She was being tactful, but it was all just too much.
After she had finished, I went into the kitchen and just started cleaning...everything and anything.
The nurse came in, and asked how I was. I can't remember the last time in a few weeks someone asked me how I felt. She reached out and placed her hand on mine and I instantly backed away and tears began to rise. She understood instantly and said,
"I'm here"
As I've said before, the kindness of strangers is sometimes the type of kindness that can break you. 

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