The Abnormal Normal

I've been back with Mum, and in the UK, for the past 3 weeks and the very horrifying reality of the situation now seems very normal.

It is interesting how we can manipulate the brain into becoming accustomed to such situations, that from the outside looking in, we could never imagine being ok with.

Feeding my mother, brushing her teeth, her hair, applying mosturizer, doing her washing while she is restricted to a bed IS abnormal-yet suddenly feels very normal.

I'm in the routine now and I am grateful of every second I am with Mum-but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

Luckily, the days are so packed with people in and out the smile I don to fool myself that I am ok becomes stuck to my face. I am the walking embodiment of "The Sad Clown"

The traffic of people through the house, whether it is carers, district nurses, sitters enable me to keep up the facade of being ok-the scary times are when you are alone and you think. You don't want to think, to contemplate tomorrow, just go hour by hour.  

I remember when my father died-I repeated the mantra "just get through the hour" If I could get out of bed, it was a good day.

We spend so much time planning and being told to plan-but as I get older and I keep being hit with unexpected traumatic events-I am convinced planning is an utter waste of time. 

Don't plan-just live and love. Always love. 

The Last Blog Of 2013...(Unless I'm Emotional And Drunk Before Midnight)

Hello you beautiful birdies-yes...you...the one staring at the screen..

This is my last entry of 2013-unless I get drunk and emotional before midnight (high probability)

We had my Mum's cousin, M, pop in. She lives in Machester and grew up with Mum in Glasgow and owns one of the top Irish dancing schools in the world. She is hilarious, eccentric and dramatic, we love her. And she loves Mum-she turned up on Mum's doorstep last year after going through a rather colorful event in her marriage and stayed with Mum for months. M has never forgotten my mother's unending kindness.

We discussed family secrets, family stories that were never meant to be told and tales of our large sprawling Irish family.

The spontaneity is not usually welcomed by Mum these days,but I'm glad M ignored it and came anyway. Mum needed it.

My Aunt and Uncle will be coming over soon for drinks and parlor games (they're in the 70's) and my brother is calling at midnight our time from LA.

This year has been a life shattering one as I discussed in my previous scribblings. Many dreams have come true (The Emmy's, shooting the pilots) and nightmares have become a reality (the reason I am writing this blog) 

I want to say a massive THANK YOU to you reading this. By you reading these words, leaving me comments, sending me notes, I have a reason to get up; something to look forward to and to write. 

Please continue to follow me on this journey, I promise it will not be boring (!)

I never lose faith,I truly mean that. Please understand that that declaration is rooted in astonishment and utterly void of arrogance. This is perhaps because I think I may be mad with delusions, but good things will happen next year; I will cope with the nightmares and live the dream.

NYE Every Day

Call me a little slow, but only today did I realize that 2014 is a mere day away.

2013 has been a year that has found me letting go of my stable, (well tipped) position managing a restaurant in Beverly Hills to concentrate on acting full time, landed some great roles, filmed several pilots, partied, loved and laughed a lot. 

Everything became very still and very silent when I heard the news that my Mum had brain cancer and I was to return home and care for her full time.

I am not dreading tomorrow night, or the constant reminders that we should be out having FUN, but the anticipation of it all. I really have never enjoyed NYE, I tried to, I really have,but there is so much build up and pressure to make it an amazing night and that the night shall foretell the year to come.

We shall be going over to my Aunt and Uncle's for New Year's Day for dinner and celebration but NYE will be myself and my Mum in her house and I want to go to bed early, not pretend either of us have plans or hopes or goals for next year. 

We will be happy that we have that day, that night together and tomorrow is a gift. 

No New Year's Eve celebration will compare to the happiness that right now I still have my Mum with me right now.

For You Dear Readers Something Odd And Beautiful

'Ello,

Today's posts may have been a tad miserable; yes-I know this blog is about my mother with cancer-BUT I made a promise to you, dear reader, that this will not be a "woe is me" blog-but hey, we all have our blue days.

Anyway, to make it up to you, here is one of the most beautifully odd song you may never hear (unless you click below) by this guy:

This song will most likely change your life ...or maybe only your night...anyway-enjoy!

I love you x

http://youtu.be/iKVHko9YIq8

Christmas-Booze, Braids and Brain Tumors

Good evening dear readers,

I hope you had a great Christmas and you ate, drank and were merry.

I woke up on Christmas Day knowing I wanted to make this day great for Mum and for me. 

There was a thought the grazed my mind for a flash and then was gone. This thought that has been lingering for days and weeks has been held at bay and it is something simply too awful to utter.  Seeing my aunt speak of Christmas and my Mum's attempt at enthusiasm all reeked of this thought: that this Christmas would be my mother's last.

Disgusting and evil the thought, it would not enter my head this day. I wouldn't allow it.

I got up and made Mum breakfast in bed and proceeded to make sure Mum was looking great. Nails done, make up done and a beautiful green dress on. I got dressed and made sure I looked as though I actually made an effort.

Sometimes there is nothing more I like than to spend quality time getting dressed up, making the best out of yourself. Honestly, I'm pretty shit with makeup and hair and have never been a girl to mess with myself too much and falsify my look. I like the natural look, plus I have no idea about make up so I usually     end up looking like a clown if I try.

I can't remember the last time I had the luxury of, well, time-so I took Christmas as a great excuse.

We were going over to my Aunt and Uncle's house so I had made personalized gingerbread men and red velvet cupcakes and bought Champagne and vodka....I also prepped for the day by putting tinsel around M&M's cat who popped by.

We had a good time at my Aunt's and oh, how I have missed cocktails and just booze in general. 

I got Mum the most beautiful jumper I hope she wears.

Although overall, it was a great day, we ate, laughed and talked-something was desperately missing. 

As the days pass by I realize with such terrible sadness that parts of my Mum are missing. Her humor and quick wit remains, her pride is strong but delicate details and facets of her personality are gone or have faded. My mother would never have let me have a Christmas without a gift from her-this isn't about my need for something materialistic, it's about her care and love for me and putting me before anything like she always selflessly has. She would have thought it awful for me to wake up with no stocking and no present to open-that meant a lot to her to make me happy.

I'm happy with her, helping her-but seeing her not even registering that it was  odd I didn't have anything, was sad. She seemed somewhat confused by the day. She sat and laughed, but was more quiet than I've ever seen her. 

I know she knows what is happening but cannot articulate it. For example she will say to friends who visit,

"I have this thing with my head and they are we are going to the hospital doing the scan to fix it. It's bloody awful"

When in reality she has incurable brain tumors and is having radiotherapy to give her more time. 

She knows this, I know she is aware of the situation-the true gravity of the situation, but perhaps cannot articulate it. Or, perhaps, sometimes her brain does not connect words and thoughts correctly. 

I watch her sitting sometimes just gazing at something or going somewhere else in her mind and I wonder where she goes.

Don't get me wrong, my Mum isn't sitting staring into space all day dribbling in a chair! She is alert and talking and commenting and laughing but parts of the day-like on Christmas-I wonder how much she actually takes in and processes. She said she had a great day, we spoke all about family stories but there was a part of her missing-or perhaps she was just taking it all in.

There's time when I know she knows. I was exhausted one night and said,

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

She responded,

"It's only 10.30pm"

"You look tired, why don't you want to go to bed?" I asked

She quietly answered,

"Because I'm scared I won't wake up"

How, even if you had forever, could you prepare yourself to respond to a statement like that?

Phone Call With My Brother

My brother just phoned from LA to check in on Mum and let us know how his move is going.

He lived right around the corner from me in LA which was great, I saw him more, plus when either of us were away we could pop over to look after each other's cats. My brother rescued a cat a few years ago-no idea of its sex, but he named it Sidney. To say she is on the large side is an understatement...if you're ready to fall in love and see the fattest cat  in the world...here we go...

Yep.

We have tried everything to get him/her to lose weight. No go. She was living on the streets this large-perhaps she was ridding the city of rats and this is the outcome...Who knows. Anyway, she is a really sweet natured cat and I love her (I'm convinced it's a girl)

My brother and his girlfriend have been together a while and just got a place together...in Hollywood, which is a good couple of miles from my house where my darling Johnny Cat (and now Sidney) lives. Due to the move I have to get a neighbor to help out with the cats and it is a chore for people to come in everyday and now my brother is further away, it's yet another worry on my plate.

Yes, I may sound like a crazy cat lady, but    Johnny is my pal, my buddy, my soul mate. When my Dad died and I couldn't leave my bed for weeks, Johnny stayed by my side every second. I miss him terribly and now worry not only about how lonely he is, but putting the burden on other people to help me out.

I'm telling you, beautiful readers, about this  because it's on my mind (and this blog has become my daily diary) as well as this being another example of additional worries carers have when they have to look after family members. 

Life doesn't stop when a person you love becomes ill. You wish it could; that everything would pause for a while so you can learn to breath again, but it doesn't. Especially if you have to move homes (or continents like moi!) you still have responsibilities, bills, jobs, relationships from your LBC (Life Before Cancer) 

My brother was asking me when he thinks I'll be back so he can figure out my apartment and Johnny. And like every question asked to me in my life today my answer is a resounding "I have no idea".

Johnny xxx