Christmas-Booze, Braids and Brain Tumors

Good evening dear readers,

I hope you had a great Christmas and you ate, drank and were merry.

I woke up on Christmas Day knowing I wanted to make this day great for Mum and for me. 

There was a thought the grazed my mind for a flash and then was gone. This thought that has been lingering for days and weeks has been held at bay and it is something simply too awful to utter.  Seeing my aunt speak of Christmas and my Mum's attempt at enthusiasm all reeked of this thought: that this Christmas would be my mother's last.

Disgusting and evil the thought, it would not enter my head this day. I wouldn't allow it.

I got up and made Mum breakfast in bed and proceeded to make sure Mum was looking great. Nails done, make up done and a beautiful green dress on. I got dressed and made sure I looked as though I actually made an effort.

Sometimes there is nothing more I like than to spend quality time getting dressed up, making the best out of yourself. Honestly, I'm pretty shit with makeup and hair and have never been a girl to mess with myself too much and falsify my look. I like the natural look, plus I have no idea about make up so I usually     end up looking like a clown if I try.

I can't remember the last time I had the luxury of, well, time-so I took Christmas as a great excuse.

We were going over to my Aunt and Uncle's house so I had made personalized gingerbread men and red velvet cupcakes and bought Champagne and vodka....I also prepped for the day by putting tinsel around M&M's cat who popped by.

We had a good time at my Aunt's and oh, how I have missed cocktails and just booze in general. 

I got Mum the most beautiful jumper I hope she wears.

Although overall, it was a great day, we ate, laughed and talked-something was desperately missing. 

As the days pass by I realize with such terrible sadness that parts of my Mum are missing. Her humor and quick wit remains, her pride is strong but delicate details and facets of her personality are gone or have faded. My mother would never have let me have a Christmas without a gift from her-this isn't about my need for something materialistic, it's about her care and love for me and putting me before anything like she always selflessly has. She would have thought it awful for me to wake up with no stocking and no present to open-that meant a lot to her to make me happy.

I'm happy with her, helping her-but seeing her not even registering that it was  odd I didn't have anything, was sad. She seemed somewhat confused by the day. She sat and laughed, but was more quiet than I've ever seen her. 

I know she knows what is happening but cannot articulate it. For example she will say to friends who visit,

"I have this thing with my head and they are we are going to the hospital doing the scan to fix it. It's bloody awful"

When in reality she has incurable brain tumors and is having radiotherapy to give her more time. 

She knows this, I know she is aware of the situation-the true gravity of the situation, but perhaps cannot articulate it. Or, perhaps, sometimes her brain does not connect words and thoughts correctly. 

I watch her sitting sometimes just gazing at something or going somewhere else in her mind and I wonder where she goes.

Don't get me wrong, my Mum isn't sitting staring into space all day dribbling in a chair! She is alert and talking and commenting and laughing but parts of the day-like on Christmas-I wonder how much she actually takes in and processes. She said she had a great day, we spoke all about family stories but there was a part of her missing-or perhaps she was just taking it all in.

There's time when I know she knows. I was exhausted one night and said,

"Are you ready to go to bed?"

She responded,

"It's only 10.30pm"

"You look tired, why don't you want to go to bed?" I asked

She quietly answered,

"Because I'm scared I won't wake up"

How, even if you had forever, could you prepare yourself to respond to a statement like that?

Phone Call With My Brother

My brother just phoned from LA to check in on Mum and let us know how his move is going.

He lived right around the corner from me in LA which was great, I saw him more, plus when either of us were away we could pop over to look after each other's cats. My brother rescued a cat a few years ago-no idea of its sex, but he named it Sidney. To say she is on the large side is an understatement...if you're ready to fall in love and see the fattest cat  in the world...here we go...

Yep.

We have tried everything to get him/her to lose weight. No go. She was living on the streets this large-perhaps she was ridding the city of rats and this is the outcome...Who knows. Anyway, she is a really sweet natured cat and I love her (I'm convinced it's a girl)

My brother and his girlfriend have been together a while and just got a place together...in Hollywood, which is a good couple of miles from my house where my darling Johnny Cat (and now Sidney) lives. Due to the move I have to get a neighbor to help out with the cats and it is a chore for people to come in everyday and now my brother is further away, it's yet another worry on my plate.

Yes, I may sound like a crazy cat lady, but    Johnny is my pal, my buddy, my soul mate. When my Dad died and I couldn't leave my bed for weeks, Johnny stayed by my side every second. I miss him terribly and now worry not only about how lonely he is, but putting the burden on other people to help me out.

I'm telling you, beautiful readers, about this  because it's on my mind (and this blog has become my daily diary) as well as this being another example of additional worries carers have when they have to look after family members. 

Life doesn't stop when a person you love becomes ill. You wish it could; that everything would pause for a while so you can learn to breath again, but it doesn't. Especially if you have to move homes (or continents like moi!) you still have responsibilities, bills, jobs, relationships from your LBC (Life Before Cancer) 

My brother was asking me when he thinks I'll be back so he can figure out my apartment and Johnny. And like every question asked to me in my life today my answer is a resounding "I have no idea".

Johnny xxx

Radiotherapy,Stretching,Putting Glasses On Cats and A ReTweet From Jane Fallon

Good evening fine lads and lasses.

As I lay in bed I reflect on my day:

-Took Mum to her radiotherapy 

-Realized how unfit I am by trying to stretch out my 5'10" body that has been cramped into a single bed since moving back to UK

-Annoyed every cat that came to my Mum's house by squeezing them or trying to put glasses on them

-And tried to get Mum to rest.

Mum's tiredness comes and goes and as it is the first full week of treatment she may only get mild side effects. Her hair does look thinner on top, which is terribly sad to see, and I don't say anything.

Sometimes her short term memory is a lot better than the previous day; the steroids she takes daily are trying to relieve the pressure on her brain. But sometimes, like tonight, we were watching a true crime documentary (our fav subjects) and during the break I asked her a question about it, which she wasn't able to answer. 

Reminders like this about the severity of the situation pops up every now and then, but I try to let them go.

I will leave you, dear readers, on a lighter note; the ever so kind, talented author and HUGE animal lover Jane Fallon retweeted my tweet to her regarding this blog. It made me so very, very happy, THANK YOU JANE!

I tweeted her this photo of my darling Johnny who is being looked after by my brother in LA-I think it sealed the deal... X

Good Morning...Here's A Cat On A Cupboard

Good morning birdies. I think I slept over 8 hours last night-the first time in a while. 

Gone are the days of sleeping in in my queen bed waking up to Pete The Squirrel on the palm tree outside my window in LA...for now. 

I miss my bed,my house,my cat,my car and LA. But no point in dwelling, I'm here and doing what I should be doing.

I think the radiation is taking it's toll as I could barely get Mum out of bed this morning she was so tired, so I told her to sleep as I made her breakfast in bed.

When I speak with my darling friends here and in the states, I can't tell them everything about the situation, just basics of our day to day life. 

Things people forget or simply don't think about while caring for a family member is how hard it is to get daily tasks achieved. 

Just having a shower can be a mission. Firstly, I need to make sure Mum is dressed for the day and back downstairs, comfy and got everything she needs while I'm upstairs showering and getting ready. The thing is, I'm worried when I'm upstairs in case she needs me so I keep the bathroom door open and keep an ear open,scared in case I miss something. 

It's exhausting and worrying and I never want Mum to feel she is a burden on me, so I try not to be a complete spoiled brat and moan that I don't have enough time to moisturize.  But, dear reader, I feel the guilt when all I want to do is have a long, hot shower and spend as much time as I'd like exfoliating and moisturizing doing my hair and makeup; remember I'm still only 29...and human.

As my mother's house seems to be a haven for every cat in a 5 mile radius; a regular named Beanie (orange and white, fat, bully to other cats) slips into the house every now and then, and this morning I found him on top of the cupboard, next to the wok, head firmly tucked under the ceiling...

I think he may be losing his mind...join the club mate.

Workmen Are Here...Headache Is Increasing

Possibly the nicest workman in the county is here to install a rail on the stairs to give Mum more safety getting up the stairs. Mum rolls her eyes and dislikes any reminder that she is ill so isn't overly enthusiastic about it, but if it helps, we need it.

The little things like these serve as reminders of the situation and what mum has lost already (easy mobility) and you kind of want to avoid these to keep the blinkers on; but realistically we need it,so here it is.

Once again, praise the NHS, all free to get this done and the workman turned up on time and couldn't be nicer. The drilling has bored a permanent ringing in my head so I'm going to make Mum use it as she heads upstairs to get ready (me following of course)

I'm in a brighter mood today, ready to get shit done and write as much as I can. Of course I have to do the laundry, dishes, dinners and get Mum ready for her radiation appointment. Oh, how I feel like a housewife from the 50's minus the husband... and excluding the radiation...

A month ago at this time on a Tuesday I'd be glued to my laptop in a house in the Hollywood Hills with a cappucino in my hand organizing my clients life; now I barely know where my life is, however I KNOW I am doing the right thing.

Trying to make Mum wearing a color co-ordinated outfit (my LA influence looms large) is harder than it seems...my Mama will not be going out looking less than perfect. I decided.

Here's a photo of a cat that thinks Mum's house is his. He has bits out of his ears from cat scraps, an uneven pattern on his face and eats everything in sight-but I love him...