The Abnormal Normal

I've been back with Mum, and in the UK, for the past 3 weeks and the very horrifying reality of the situation now seems very normal.

It is interesting how we can manipulate the brain into becoming accustomed to such situations, that from the outside looking in, we could never imagine being ok with.

Feeding my mother, brushing her teeth, her hair, applying mosturizer, doing her washing while she is restricted to a bed IS abnormal-yet suddenly feels very normal.

I'm in the routine now and I am grateful of every second I am with Mum-but that doesn't mean it's not hard.

Luckily, the days are so packed with people in and out the smile I don to fool myself that I am ok becomes stuck to my face. I am the walking embodiment of "The Sad Clown"

The traffic of people through the house, whether it is carers, district nurses, sitters enable me to keep up the facade of being ok-the scary times are when you are alone and you think. You don't want to think, to contemplate tomorrow, just go hour by hour.  

I remember when my father died-I repeated the mantra "just get through the hour" If I could get out of bed, it was a good day.

We spend so much time planning and being told to plan-but as I get older and I keep being hit with unexpected traumatic events-I am convinced planning is an utter waste of time. 

Don't plan-just live and love. Always love.