Confession Time...

I was considering boring you all with an account of my dreams last night...it's very possible I still will, but first a little confession...

I've been scribbling for a while now and it never ceases to amaze me that you are reading this, emailing me, tweeting me and keep supporting me. You are all pretty fucking awesome and keep me going when the blues hit home.

However, I have suddenly realized I have not told you all that you are privy to information the majority of people in my life are not.

I began writing this believing it would simply be for me, myself and I, but it has quickly gained momentum which I hope will continue. As it has built and you, dear reader, kept...well reading, it has now become words between me, myself and you. I have set up an Instgram (@TheBirdsThatSingAtNight) and Twitter (@TheBirdsThatSing) just for this blog and you. My personal Instgram and Twitter are completely separate and barely used since I've been back here in the UK and writing this.

You will notice throughout my entries that I don't use names of any of my friends, family members or others because none of them know I am writing this. I have kept these scribblings secret from everyone around me both here, and back in LA. 

Even though this is an open forum and anyone can view this, I have shied away from telling anyone for several reasons. 

I have a feeling my aunt and uncle wouldn't understand why I am writing this and feel it might violate mum's privacy. They barely use their computer and certainly don't have the word "blog" in their vocabulary; and I don't know if my mum knew she probably wouldn't fully understand it as she is right now.

I haven't mentioned this to my friends, put it on my Facebook, my personal Twitter or Instagram; even though they would read it, it would boost numbers for the site etc. but I don't want to. Perhaps, it's because it is easier to tell strangers the truth rather than those we feel closest to. Yes...I think that is it. 

When I speak with my friends and they ask me how I'm doing, I fill them all in on different things at different times and it would certainly be easier to just direct them here, but I cannot.

They know what is happening, but the words I write to you are like secret scribblings that I don't need to answer questions about.

When my friends do end up reading these lines-I love you, you are my family, but sometimes the raw truth is a little too

hard to tell x

I Can't Be Blue, I Have You...And You...And You

All these posts are about me, my life, my problems...blah blah blah. Granted, this is a blog that began life as my open diary but this post is about how YOU allow me to cope with days like these.

I was in tears before midday-not a good omen for the day to come. It all got a little too much today, I woke up exhausted, stressed,teary and worried (and that's before I'd even crawled out of bed)

Many of you beautiful birdies are in similar situations to me, or have been, and you will understand what I mean when out of nowhere it can all get a bit too much.

It was hard getting her out of bed and I just seemed completely useless. My aunt turned up unexpectedly and I just said tearfully, 

"I need to go upstairs"

I went and just cried. I just needed time. Time to sit alone, not talk to anyone and just cry. 

There were so many things on my mind, I couldn't even list them to you.

My aunt told me to just stay in my room and have some time to myself as she dressed my mum and I did.

I hadn't felt so despondent since mum first came home-I think things are taking their toll. However, I had no choice but to get myself together after my aunt left and I did-and it was thanks to you.

I sat in my room staring at the unexpected hole I found in my leggings, and thought about your emails; your tweets, your comments on Instagram and as cliched as it may sound it gave me the energy to get off my arse and carry on. 

This shitty, shitty situation in my life cannot be drowned in my self pity it is about making my mother the priority and make life as amazing as possible; and you all are making that happen.

When I see emails from you telling me your most personal stories, when I read your tweets, from continents away, telling me you are sat by your mother's bedside in her last hours-it makes me feel just that little less alone.  

It makes me realize other people are going through extreme struggles too and I cannot falter in making my mum's life as happy as possible. 

No one is exempt from pain-we simply have different levels of it. So, if you are reading this and you are feeling as though you've had enough-it's ok to feel that way-I may never have met you but I'm here listening, the way you have listened to me. 

Strangers can become the best listeners and thank you for continuing to listen to me.

If you feel like allowing me to return the favor, contact me here and let's make life a little bit more beautiful. Thank you x

Email: TheBirdsThatSing@gmail.com

Twitter: @TheBirdWillSing

Instagram: @TheBirdsThatSingAtNight