I went to have my highly valued shower and sometimes your greatest realizations come when you have your hair full of lather and you are left alone with your thoughts.
The past few days have been a lot,and I kept thinking of going to my aunt's house and as much as it is a second home to me, I'd have to get dressed, get mum ready and be on my guard while at my aunt's. Checking to see if she needed the bathroom, if she drank enough, was she just saying she was ok or did she just really want to come home? I just couldn't.
Earlier, when she went into the kitchen, she was in there for a while and when I went in and asked her what she was doing she said nothing. I checked and she had taken the a coffee jar, emptied it out and filled it with water. She has no idea why she did it, couldn't explain it to me. It may seem like nothing to you reader, but it was the straw that broke the carer's back.
This incident just reinforces the fact that she is just so different than what she was and frustrating that I could ask her a thousand times why she did it and she would just respond, "I don't know."
I got out the shower and called my aunt and told her the situ. I told her I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted time on my own. She started getting emotional when she said she understood and it was hard on her too. Then, of course, the guilt came in and that made me cry as my aunt reassured me,
"We all feel guillty".
It never ends, you feel guilty if you ask for time out, but can't continue doing everything you do day in, day out, especially with some days a lot worse that others.
As I got mum into my uncle's car, I felt more guilt than ever, she just seems so vulnerable and you can't help but question if you really are doing all you can.
With time on my hands, I've done laundry, cooked lunch...and bought some more coffee.... X
